Monday, December 27, 2010

103 Fever=Quick Blogaroni

It's been a blah four days, I came down with a nasty fever on Christmas eve and have been relatively comatose until this morning when I dragged myself from couch to computer chair. Now holding myself upright for so long has worn me out so I must make this quick. Christmas was a bust, three months and 24 days until The St Paddys Parade and six months and 25 days until the first day of Summer. If time could speed up quite quick just for those two things I'd be very happy. Ok well until I'm well peace out.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Happy Holidays from your Friendly Neighborhood Naked Baker

Quickly in this season of family and giving I just wanted to let all of you know that you all are wonderful, beautiful people and I hope that this season is filled with love and warmth. I look forward to writing after the holiday about an amazing meal I had last night and a song that speaks to me, along with all my baking shenanigans. Again Happy Christmahaunakwanzaka to you and yours:0)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Notcho Grand Mommas Fruit Cake!

Hey it's almost Christmas and I can't think of a better way to celebrate than with fruitcake! I know you're thinking the same exact thing..right?!?! Ok fine I realize that your vision of fruit cake is much like the repulsive picture above. I am here to rescue you from that horrendous excuse for a dessert. Fruit cake has such a bad reputation though! I feel bad for it, it's trying to spread Christmas cheer, and the folk that still come packing to every party with one in tow are trying to do the same thing. Even if they do buy one at the dollar store and unwrap and slap it on a plate in hopes of people thinking they actually took the time to make it.

I was given the gift of loving fruitcake back when I was attending CCI and Chef Lynn was all like "Oh hey we are making fruitcake today!" All us students were all like "Oh god not fruitcake! Why? Think of the children!" we were quite the dramatic bunch..apparently. Chef was much more professional and prison guard like as well, I loved her:0) She was effing awesome...uhoh...DIGRESSION! So anywowilosemytrainofthoughteasily! We got to work frantically like little elves making this new and improved fruitcake that was going to change our opinion on this under appreciated holiday tradition, even if it was the middle of April. It got me to pondering and I wondered...where the mother eff did fruitcake originate from? SO I looked it up, being over three years ago I lost my notes but I shall provide some nifty info on this delectable fruity breadcake.

In a nut shell! The ancient Romans have a rough draft of fruit cake in which they use pomegranate seeds, pine nuts, and raisins mixed up in barley mash. What? You don't think that sounds good? Well pardon me but they didn't have Kitchen Aids and ovens that bake at 350 degrees for and hour. If you could hear me I was just scoffing at your judgements. So onward with the history! Back in those fun yet plaque infested middle ages they got a bit more creative and and added some honey and spices and preserved fruit rather than dried crap. And that is when the name fruitcake was created...applaud for the middle ages please for their creativity...I mean fruit in a cake and they called it fruitcake!! INGENIOUS! So as it turns out Europe went nuts, I know I'm so punny, over fruitcake and started adding nuts and butter and fresh fruits, all depending on availability of the product. Ocean spray and Tropicana weren't around quite yet so it was tough to get this stuff. Those crazy Germans were using milk in theirs! The use of sugar didn't really come about until the American colonies started harvesting it..imagine that America providing sugar? Odd. They also discovered that the fruit could be candied and lasted longer making the cake more affordable and popularity soared! Thus giving us the unfortunate state of fruitcake in this day and age. Countries all over the world have their own adaptations of this tradition and also different times of year they have it as tradition.

Fruitcake is pretty awesome, I mean come on it's been around for at least 1000 years in different forms and flavors. People all over have made their own versions and everyone loves it! So why don't we end any hatred you may have towards fruitcake and let me introduce you to my friend Farm House Fruitcake. This style of fruitcake was handed down to me by Chef Lynn and she tells me it was a formula that her dear friend and old mentor of mine Chef Simon Stevenson. I gotta give props were props are due, ya know? So do me favor go grab a bottle of really it's for the cake I swear...

This formula is originally in weight rather than volume so I'll volumize it for you, oh, I like the way that sounds!

Unsalted Butter- One stick
Self Rising Four(Don't freak out I'll explain)- 1 cup
Confectioner Sugar- 1/2 cup
Mixed Dry Fruit- 1 cup...I usually use apricots, craisins, and raisins
Cinnamon- 1/4 teaspoon
Cardamom- 1/8 t
Nutmeg- 1/8 t
Ginger- 1/8 t
Whole eggs- 2
Milk- 3 Tablespoons
Lemon Zest- 2 t

Self rising flour= 1 1/2t Baking Powder and 1/2 t of salt per cup of flour.
Soak your fruit in a mix of brandy and red wine for up to a month but no less that one day. It doesn't call for wine but I like the depth of flavor it adds.

Drain your fruit, reserve the liquids, I'll explain later.
1.Rub the butter into the flour until it resembles coarse meal, I've done this successfully with a paddle attachment on a kitchen aid.
2.Stir in sugar, mixed fruit, and spices.
3.Beat eggs and milk together
4.Stir the egg mix into the flour mix and add the zest
5.Grease a 6'' cake pan and line bottom with parchment
6.Bake at 325 until middle is set and cake is firm to the touch. 1 hourish check at 50 min just in case.

Cool in the pan until warm then turn out onto cooling rack

For your tasty liquids I said to reserve I would suggest making a hot mulled cider and adding some of the tasty deliciousness (A nickname Tim and I gave it) for a lovely Holiday drink!

So There you have it the cake that has converted some of the most stubborn fruitcake haters into lovers. And I'm a lover not a fighter so I am a huge fan of this cake. I hope you try this recipe and if you do let me know how it turns out! I love you all and hope your Christmahanukwanzaakah's are filled with warmth and the best of holiday traditions!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Sometimes You Just Can't Help but Feel Down

But instead of feeling down think up! I am sick of this feeling of sadness in my cranium so what would any well intentioned baker with inspiration do? Get in the damn kitchen! The last few days have been filled with kitchen deliciousness, and tummy aches, stupid bowels! So useless! But anywhocaresaboutmyconstipation! Lets start with that lovely day of the week us down here on Earth call Saturday!

Well I started with work and what a fun time that was! Oh I am so kidding teehaha! Oh I made nothing of interest there so we will just go ahead and skip over that and pretend I woke up at 7:30 rather than 3:30...oh I feel so refreshed already! SO waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed I planted myself in the kitchen with the sun shining in and started whipping up some tasty chocolate heath muffins for my darling husband Timeteo. Oh a recipe? Well shucks why didn't ya just ask!
Pams Muffins of Love with any additions you please...I'm just giving you the plain recipe that you can tweak as you please.

Tim loved them! I didn't eat any:0( oh well! I didn't have time to anyways because I had to shuffle off to make pierogis at my buddy Katie's house with her lovely famila! I've been making them now for three years with Katie's peeps and Tim's family, isn't that cute? People invite the baker to join in their yearly traditions to make the dough! It sure is fun to sit surrounded by scrumptious delights and not be able to eat them! I sure love that torture! Well anywhoot, pierogis are super to make so heres the recipe we used!

2c AP flour
1/2t salt
2 eggs
1/3c water

Mix that lovely stuff up and cover with a hot towel for ten minutes then make some filling and roll out to a level 3 on a pasta roller and cut circle to the size you want. Fill, fold and pinch! Freeze, boil, eat!

Saturday's culinary escapades weren't over there, no siree bob! My brother in law and sister in law were coming over for dinner and to make gingerbread cookies! YAY! It was super fun and we had some fun fun times! I must warn the photo contains photos of a vulgar nature due to our incessant denial of growing up.
The recipe I used was very spicy and delicious! So here it it!
3 c AP flour
1 1/2 t baking powder
3/4 tn baking soda
1/4 tn salt
1 T ground ginger
1 3/4 t ground cinnamon
1/4 t ground cloves
6 T unsalted butter
3/4 c light brown sugar
1 egg
1/2 c blackstrap molasses plus 2 T
2 t vanilla
1 t orange zest

My directions are horrible and uninformative

Cream butter and sugahhh, add egg, add molasses and vanilla, add zest and dry crap until dough forms. divide in two discs, refrigerate for two to eight hours. 375 degree oven. roll out cut shapes bake for eight minutes, slightly under baked, take out cool and decorate, WIN!


I also cooked them a tasty meal of lemon dill panko crusted salmon with steamed green beans and butternut squash. RECIPE NOT INCLUDED!

After of yummotastic time we had some fun time shenanigans pictures included..right now!

Last photo added for pure hilarity, thats Tim and I on our wedding day. My goodness we are a sexy couple.


It was so rainy as mentioned in previous post so we went to the flea market! So fun:0) We found a beautiful refinished antique vanity that we are going to buy if it's still there next Sunday! I love the flea market it is filled with the craziest but friendliest nut jobs in Holyoke. I ended up buying about $1000 dollars worth of crap, in my head that is, and walked away spending only five dollars on two dvds. The Wedding Singer (one of my favorite movies) and Love Actually a lovely Christmas classic.

We had a bunch of leftover lemon dill panko from the night before so we got creative for dinner. We made Fried Crab Balls...I'm working on the name but just work with me here. Oh man they were, and still are amazing. I made up this recipe and wrote it down asap because I when I open my restaurant (and I will) this item must be on the menu! So here is my balls.
Oh immaturity how I love thee.

8 oz. neufchatel cheese (pronounced in Pam, new-fun-chill) Incorrect is my middle name...after Danger that is;0)
One can on lump crab meat
One can of the shredded crab junk...actual name
1T chopped fresh(funky) dill
1t sherry vinegar
one egg
salt and pepper to your personal liking
mix all that love together and make delicious crab ball babies
I used a small ice cream scoop then froze them for an hour to insure they would explode when I fried them.

Prepare for your fry station

Preheat your fryer, assuming you have one of course to 375
after your balls are nice, cold take them and do this order for ultimate frying success. roll in flour, then egg, then flour, then egg, then firmly roll in panko love. Then they are ready for frying. Mine took about 5 minutes until golden, amazing, and delicious.
I ensure you that they are tasty!

So now I leave you with a mouth that hopefully is salivating and inspiration to get into your kitchens and rock out!

Love peace and fryer grease!!!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

It is Cold, Rainy, and Yucky Outside...What to do?

Dreaming of Sunnier Days

So it's crapfest 2010 on this lovely Sunday in December and I am feeling adventurous....what would you do on a day like this?
I've decided to come up with some things that are cheap and fun! Just like me! hahaha nah I'm kidding!

-Write a quick script, shoot in one or two takes, edit, and laugh. Then post it to youtube....Oh and by the way my youtube is

-Scavenger Hunt, a silly one. I know that in my area we have so many awesome locations full of crazy people like me that would gladly help with a scavenger hunt.


-Open the book of raw foods I refer to on a daily basis and pick of those crazy recipes you've been to afraid to try, go to whole foods buy the good stuff because S&S doesn't carry Braggs Liquid Aminos. Oh an example you ask? Sure here goes!
Ok so this doesn't need aminos but it still sounds scrumptious!
Hearty Corn Salad
3 portobello mushrooms, chopped
1/3c balsamic vinegar
1/3c Olive Oil, cold pressed
3T Maple Syrup...REAL STUFF not effing aunt jemima ain't got nothing on vermont
2T sliced scallions
1 bell pepper of any color...I'm an equal opportunity employer
1c grape tomatoes, sliced in half
1/4 to 1/2 pound baby lettuce because babies are tastier
4 ears of fresh corn kernels cut from the cob

Marinate the mushies for an hour in the vinegar, oil and syrup...SET ASIDE FOR AN HOUR BITCHES!

Mix all that veggie love, minus lettuce, in a bowl. Put the babies on a plate, and top with the Veggie love and scoop of mushies. ENJOY!!!!!!

-Take your hyper indoor cat to an empty but closed warehouse and let him run free for a while to tucker him out

-Write up your escape plan then go to barnes and noble and research all of the beautiful destinations you can move to...if all conditions were perfect....then go get coffee and sulk because your broke.

-Make sweet sweet passionate and good for your health!

-Make early morning cocktails and have a dance party in celebration of having a new computer and all of your music in one place! And finally using your iphones music holding capabilities

-Create a Blippy account and write reviews of purchases you've made on itunes or other platforms and feel special when someone thinks what you write is awesome.

-Go on rainy car hiking: the art of driving around in the scenic parts of your state and getting lost on purpose in hopes of finding new and interesting places.

-Create new words and post them on urban dictionary

So yea I think I will be hitting up some flea markets and taking a lovely car hike today to kill the cabin fever...and maybe go buy some cabin fever beer by berkshire brewing company because it's delicious and festive!


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

My thoughts, though they will be unread, on "Bridal Plasty"

Please pardon me before I start writing I need to vomit, because now I really know I'm not thin enough, pretty enough or perfect enough to walk on this earth. I hear now in order to publish blogs online you need to weigh no more than 120lbs...even thats pushing it..fatty. You must be at least 5'11'' in heels, big beach ball boobies and have a perfect symmetrical face with high cheek bones, fat swollen vagina lips, a creepy michael nose and crazy brows!

Yes of course the perfect woman, we all desire to be that...unless you are a man then I don't judge you for wanting to be the perfect woman. But for real? This shows premise is a bunch of brides to be are fighting for a chance to go under the knife and become the perfect bride, what ever that is. Every week there is a competition and the girl that wins gets a surgery, messed up. Some girls are chubby, some have big noses, boobs they don't like, scars(I can understand that surgery) and all just want to be perfect for when they walk down the aisle. Heres a question though...what if your fiance doesn't think you're perfect? I am looking at this as a "they all got engaged because they were deeply in love and this is their soulmate" point of view, but, when your boyfriend made the step to ask you his hand in marriage and all the times you've kissed, and (if you are the sex before marriage type) when you make love and he see's you in your most natural and beautiful way, naked, doesn't he think you're perfect then? and if not he's a total douche and you shouldn't be with him if he thinks you need to change your appearance! I just think that a natural unlifted, unnipped, untucked and all of you body and face is the best version of yourself.

Yeah I know, I am not happy with my body, or face but I know Tim looks at me and feels like he's the luckiest guy alive. I wouldn't mind a little smart lipo help around my midsection but I'm broke as shit and go to the gym instead because I'm not a selfish bitch. When I got married I didn't give a flying crap about what I looked like for Tim...yeah I know that sounds awful but think about it this way...If this man is the man you are spending the rest of your life with and if you know him to any degree of intimacy and friendship then I would think he has:
a. held your hair while you puked because you got food poisoning
b. heard you fart, or burp and you're not afraid to in front of him
c. has seen making the ugliest crying faces because everyone is when then cry
d. enough love for you that it doesn't matter if you're wearing a burlap sack, chances are he's getting laid tonight...oh and you are now his wife....of course:0)

I'm sorry for this silly rant but it just really saddens me to think that our society in so vain and in need of the perfect everything, the man with the right paycheck, the nice car and home, that we've lost touch in what the sanctity of marriage is all Can't two crazy assholes just fall in love and get hitched for no other reason but that? I did and don't judge me unless you want a visit from stan and larry, my body guards....want to meet them?




Monday, December 6, 2010

Awesome Party 53-63

I haven't felt much awesomeness as of late but I just spent a week with my best friend, even though I was very sick it inspired me.

53. Exploring 156ft. underground in a cavern that is thousands of years olds

54. Decorating for Christmas in December, not November because you like to give Thanksgiving some breathing room

55. Having a severe sinus infection that causes you to have neck and head pain so bad any touch or movement makes you cry, but seeing how delicately and closely your husband cares for you at one of your weakest moments. It really proves how much he loves you.

56. RT. 7 in Vermont from NY through the Green Mountains and all the cute downtowns you drive through. It is gorgeous.

57. Buying a new computer!

58. The surprising amount of liberation you feel after deleting your Facebook.

59. Getting to go to bed and wake up next to the person you love on the same schedule, it's small but it's really awesome to wake up together in the morning and just chill out in your pj's until you decide what to do.

60. Visiting NYC in the Christmas season for the first time. The lights and the sounds and the architecture, mind blowing.

61. Home Alone 1&2 but not the third one that was a travesty.

62. Wireless Keyboards and mouse

63. Finaly having a fast enough computer that you can post youtube videos check it

Aight yo, peace out